I love to go shopping! Window shopping too. My boy friend on the other hand hates it… Except when we go to a book store or the Apple store or to a electronics store

When I read this along with him, we couldn’t stop laughing and he has threatened to do all of this if I force him to come shopping along.

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping.

This letter was recently sent by Tesco’s Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s trolleys when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3″ in housewares.. … and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring sausages and a gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the fetal position and screamed “NO! NO! It’s those voices again.”
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here.”

Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown
Store Manager

I found this in one of my feeds. Loved it!

I couldn’t stop laughing when i read the headlines of this news.

“What are you doing here?”: man asks wife at brothel

I hear the couple married for 14 years are getting divorced. While I recover from the pain in my tummy caused by laughing my heart out, I am a little confused. On what grounds are the couple getting divorced?

* Is the wife filing a case against the husband since he has been cheating on her and visiting the brothel

or

* Is the husband filing a case against the wife as she has cheated him.

I still wonder!!!!!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back… or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did….

First Testimony
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word… He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with mens balls”

THIRD TESTIMONY
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.” My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

FOURTH TESTIMONY
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving “right now” she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just ! as threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!”

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to go, and he said “No”. I kept thinking “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, “Danny did you have an accident ?

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled “SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!”

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

LAST BUT NOT THE LEAST
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any? We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked:

“So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too; they were laughing so hard!

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me…

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we’ll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He’d forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly. What do u think,Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.

GIRLFRIEND : “…And are you sure you love me and no one else ?”
BOYFRIEND : “Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday”.

TEACHER : “Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?”
PUPIL : “The moon”.
TEACHER : “Why?”
PUPIL : “The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don’t need it”.

TEACHER : “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
PUPIL : “A teacher”.

WAITER : “Would you like your coffee blac k?”
CUSTOMER : “What other colors do you have?”

TEACHER : “Sam, you talk a lot !”
SAM : “It’s a family tradition”.
TEACHER : “What do you mean?”
SAM : “Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher”.
TEACHER : “What about your mother?”
SAM : “She’s a woman”.

TOM : “How should I convey the news to my father that I’ve failed?”
DAVID: “You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year’s performance repeated”.

TEACHER : “Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?”
STUDENT : “Brotherly love”.

TEACHER : “Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
SAM : “No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook”.

PATIENT : “What are the chances of my recovering doctor?”
DOCTOR : “One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I’ve treated. The others all died”.

TEACHER : ” George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him ?”
STUDENT: ” Because George still had the axe in is hand.”

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY….YOU’VE BEEN DRINKING…….AND THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THIS BATHROOM….????

KINDA TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY……….DOESN’T IT!

A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back.

So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth. He takes the note and it reads “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please”.

The dog has money in its mouth, as well. The butchers looked inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten-dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog’s mouth. The butcher is so impressed, and since it’s about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog.

So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing, the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn.

They do, and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows the dog into the bus. The dog then shows a ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor.

The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver’s seat looking outside waiting for the bus stop to come. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop.

It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes inside towards the door. As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy. “What in heaven’s name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!”.

To which the guy responds: “You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog’s forgotten his key.”

Moral of the story…..

You may continue to exceed on lookers expectations but shall always fall short of the boss’ expectations.
It’s dogs life after all…..

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students : “If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two, you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?”

Mike replies “Wait a minute, I’m going for a p.”
The teacher says : “That would be very rude and improper on your part.”
Charlie replies: “I’m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute.”
The teacher says : “That’s much better but to mention the word ”toilet” during a meal, is unpleasant.”

And Little Johnny says: “My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner. “

The teacher fainted …